Okay, since i just rediscovered LJ im going to abuse it.
I hate the way I sound when I write. I just re-read what I wrote.
Anyways, I was just thinking that i should be more irrational.
Im always so level headed and i never know what Im doingggg
I rather just act and do as I feel at a given moment.
Like when Rich told me about whatever, I wish I wouldve gone ape shit on him and freaked out.
But i didnt.
I wish we still used these journals.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HEREEEEEEEEEEe
"Say this: 'In the beginning was the Word..." There was nothing. There was nothing!. Darkness. There was darkness, and there was no end to it. You look up sometimes at night and there are stars; you can see all the way to the stars. And you begin to know the universe, how awful and great it is. The stars lie out against the sky and do not fill it . A single star, flickering out in the universe, is enough to fill the mind, but it is nothing in the night sky. The darkness looms around it. The darkness flows among the stars, beyond them forever. In the beginning that is how it was, but there were no stars. There was only the dark infinity in which nothing was. And something happend, and everything began. The Word did not come into being, but it was. It did not break upon the silence, but it was older than the silence and the silence was made of it."
"She seemed beyond the reach of time, as if age could not lay hold of her. But that was the illusion; I think I knew then that I should not see her again."
"The window panes are black and opague; you imagine there is nothing within, indeed there are many ghosts, bones given up to the land. They stand here and there against the sky, you approach them for a longer time than you expect. They belong in the distance; it is their domain."
"You have to forget about the way it was, how you grew up and all. Sometimes it's hard but you have to do it...he doesn't understand."
"You think about it sometimes; you can't help it, but then you try to put it out of your mind. There's a whole lot more to think about, and mixes you up sometimes if you don't just go along with it. I guess if we all came from the same place it would be different; we could talk about it, you know, and we could understand."
"And you want to do it, because you can see how good it is...there's too much of it and it's all around you and you can't get a hold of it because it's going on too fast. You have to get used to it first. You've got to be left alone. You've got to put a lot of things out of your mind, or your going to get all mixed up. You've got to take it easy and get drunk once in a while and just forget about who you are. It's hard, and you want to give up. You think about getting out and going home. You want to think that you belong some place, I guess."
"Looking around like everything was just the way it ought to be."
"And he got up and ran on. He was alone and running on. All of his being was concentrated in the sheer motion of running on, and he was past caring about the pain. Pure exhaustion laid hold of his mind, and he could see at last without having to think. He could see the canyon and the mountains and the sky. He could see the rain and the river and the fields beyond. He could see the dark hill at dawn. He was running, and under his breath he began to sing. There was no sound, and he had no voice; he had only the words of the song. And he went running on the rise of the song. House made of pollon, house made of dawn. Qtsedaba."
I pretty much had to read an entire book yesterday to get ready for my religion midterm. Some passages kind of struck me, so i just want to remember them. It's from House Made of Dawn by N. Scott Momaday. The book had its moments, sometimes a little too much detail, but it was interesting.
Mehhhhhhhh i have 2 midterms tomorrow. I need to pull myself together. Sometimes its hard to just push everything out your mind to get things done. Its a constant battle all the time. And i get tired. And I Am Tired. I just want to go to sleep and forget everything, and just not feel like this anymore, but i know that it wont happen. Sometimes i just cant keep my head up and i hope you understand, even though i think you never will, and you frustrate me. I have no more emotions left to tolerate anything else bc i just dont want to deal. Im stretched too thin, and sometimes i just need to hang my head and ride it out. There is nothing that will make me feel better, just accept it, there is no fix.
i need to let go of a lot of things
i get so angry so quickly
i feel like i start to gossip too much
bc i just get so frustrated about EVERYTHING
i just cant hold it in
i just need to relax
take a deep breath
SOmetimes i just feel like im gonna lose it all of a sudden
like all of my sanity is going to disappear
and i wont be able to handle my life
i hate that i get so angry
thats not who i am
i feel l ike i have to be so strong
i have to be able to handle this
but im getting tired of pretending like everything os ok
BECAUSE ITS NOT
its not ok
im not okay
i hate the way everything is right now
I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin
i hate school
i dont like any of my classes
i never really have
i just enjoy crew, its the only thing that makes me happy right now
its something that i can push myself through
and it makes me feel like my dad is behind me when i dont want to go any further
but at the same time i just feel like i dont care what other people think
i just want to do what i want to do
AND when someone is so fake i just dont want to deal with it anymore
IM SO SICK OF IT
I cant stand it
its really gettting to a point where i.................
ugh seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee its just anger and frustration and me going on about peopleeee
i need to stoppp
i just feel like i just want to go home
and be with my family
i miss them
i miss him
i want to go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy from everything
Sometimes i can forget that it happend
i can make myself believe that everything is fine
i think i can do that
becuase there is jsut no way i can believe that hes not here anymore
it happend so quick
it was so hard to see him suffer
the strongest man i have ever known just laying there
I just wish i could hold his hand one more time
or just have another hug and have him never let me go
i miss my dad
I know hes behind me when i dont want to go any further
i know hes with me
but sometimes its just overwhelming
and i dont want to do anything but see him again
i would do anything
He knew how to fix everything
i felt like there was no question he didnt know the answer to
he didnt desearve this
When he wasnt working and i was home from France
he was like his old self
like he was before high school
it was just so good to see him again like that and be able to talk to him
and he made so many jokes and had the biggest smile on his face
he was happy
Hes My Dad
and hes gone
theres no comfort anywhere
i honestly dont know how to deal with this
OK quick thing bc i should be doing work..
We went to Paris last weekend. It was beautiful... I posted pictures on facebook, if you are curious.
Everything has been good here. It sucks missing fathers day and pretty much everyones birthday imaginable. But i know ill be home soon. The atmosphere is just so nice here..the look and feel of the city, and just for the fact you could just walk around on the streets at night and look at all the little shops and nice restaruants out. Or even just sit by the river steps and hang out. I wish we had that at home. We would have some place to goooo..
but the French do reeeeek. I think showers are foreign to them or deoderant is unheard of..idk, but they smell..haha
ANd they love poker and soccer... a lot. Ive played poker at least 4 days out of the week here.
And i had my first encounter with a creepy french guy who wouldnt leave me alone and it was very awkward and he was pretty fugly. Not to mention all my friends made me go up on a table to dance with weird most likely gay french men.. yeah so bascially if guys here dont have a girl to dance with, they just dance with each other..but they still grind on each other and its very awkward haha.. uhh yeah So i had my first table dancing experience..and it will most likley be my last. hah
Ummm nothing else to crazy has happend.. if it does i will be sure to update.
BAck to workk!
Miss and Love u all!
(easpecially my girls..im getting sick of being around all guys all the time!)